Even the most socially flexible person can find themselves baffled by some of life’s more awkward situations. There is no obvious way to deal with a friend ignoring you or an in-law asking you rude questions.
It’s at these times, however, that Harvard-educated etiquette expert Sarah Jane Ho sees herself as a resource. She is the founder of the Sarita Institute School, the host of the Netflix show Mind Your Manners, and the author of an upcoming book called Mind Your Manners. She even gave advice on The Drew Barrymore Show about how to break up fights at family gatherings.
«I feel like part of etiquette is to put the people around you at ease,» she told CNBC Make It. «Rather than label being a limiting convention, I see it as an empowering tool.»
Here’s how Ho will deal with six embarrassing scenarios that happen all too often.
When someone is rude to you
If you find yourself on the receiving end of a sassy remark, you can counter it with grace and class with just one question.
«If a friend is rude to you in a social setting, I like to use a three-word response: ‘Are you okay?'» she says.
These three words can signal that even if you don’t take the comment personally, you didn’t really appreciate it. Be sure to say it in a friendly tone, Ho says, as if you’re expressing concern for them.
Concealing when you can’t remember someone’s name
«If you’ve met someone many times but still can’t remember their name, you should never pretend you’ve forgotten their name,» says Ho.
To avoid a potentially awkward situation, tell the person, “I recently got a new phone and all my contacts have been deleted. Can you enter your number again?” she says.
Another option is to enlist the help of a friend. «If you’re at a party, just introduce them to someone else,» Ho says. «That’s how they’re going to perform.»
Getting out of an awkward conversation
The best way to get out of a conversation with someone is to introduce them to someone else, says Ho: «It’s so seamless, they won’t even notice.»
She offers the following option: “Have you met my friend? You really should get to know each other. She is so impressive’ Then exit.
Unsubscribe from an invitation to lunch with colleagues
If you have a colleague who constantly invites you to lunch and doesn’t take any hints that you don’t want to eat with them, your instinct may be to keep making excuses.
Instead, Ho suggests just saying yes.
«Say, ‘Oh, that’s a great idea. Can we have Tim and Alison?” she says. «And once you arrange it, cancel at the last minute.»
Your colleague will interpret your invitation as a sign that you wanted to come to lunch without actually having to attend.
Confrontation with a friend who never pays you back
«If you want to confront a friend who never pays you back, you can either send them friendly reminders via email or in person, saying, ‘By the way, do you have the $100 I lent you last week?'» she says.
If they continue to ignore your requests for months, it’s safe to say they don’t plan to refund your money and you’ll have to shoulder the costs. And while you may have lost money, hopefully you’ve gained some useful knowledge about this person in the future.
“My father always told me two things. First, «don’t be either a borrower or a lender,» she says.
This, from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, means don’t put yourself in the position of lending money to friends, or borrowing money from them and becoming indebted to someone else.
«Second, lend only as much as you’re willing to lose,» she says. «If they really don’t want to give you your money back, then you’ve learned your lesson.»
Dealing with rude family members
How you respond to rude questions from your family depends on how close you are to them and how much older they are to you, says Ho.
«If you grew up with your siblings or cousins, you might get a little hit here and there and fight back,» she says.
With aunts or uncles, you should probably be more respectful. «I just smile and look away or back away,» she says.
If it’s your partner’s parents, let your husband handle it. «If you want to piss off your in-laws, let your husband do it, not you,» she says.
Right now you just have to agree. And you can let your spouse do the «dirty work» of explaining to their parents why certain comments are inappropriate, Ho says.
